Annnd I’m back! Lots of stuff has happened in the past few months, mostly for the better. My nephew has been born and is now almost five months old, my sister and I both graduated (me with my BA and her with her Masters) and I got a raise. Soo yeah pretty good I guess.
Still feeling kind of blah though, like life just isn’t going anywhere. I wish school would have taught me practical things like about mortgages and credit cards and real-world stuff. It makes me very cynical to learn it all now and wonder why it was never brought up in high school. So now I’m trying to get my first credit card as is my brother in law and it really sucks. No one ever told me that it was a good idea to get one when I was a student. All that crap in the mail I threw out because it looked like spams and junk. When you come from parents who are either first generation Americans or much older and dumber with their money, how are you supposed to learn these things?
I feel like I’m biding my time trying to get a “real” job with benefits and consistent hours because I’m scared to put myself out there. Can’t I have a perpetual summer vacation?
I sometimes like to go back and look at old photos, poetry and think how much better things were. Sometimes I read something and think, how is it that I still feel like this teenage-like angst? Since starting up a tumblr just for my poetry, I’ve been rereading my hundreds of poems (used to write nearly every day) but this one stuck out a lot to me. I feel like I really described how I feel.
I want to be exempt from life
Only this one day
Tomorrow I’ll return again
From my time away
Then one day turns into two
And three days into four
The emptiness is killing me
I’m standing at the shore
The tide is coming – children flee
But I still stand alone
Excused from here for just today
Awaiting nature’s blow
Unconscious to the world around
Consumed in all my pain
Rains and tidal waves crash down
They all think I’m insane
Standing right in fury’s path
No movement and no fear
When all are out living their lives
I’ll still be frozen here
i feel so moody and self-destructive. i feel like our father has never been one and is only a disgusting old man. i’m in a catch 22 because if he dies we have to leave but if he lives we all go crazy.
For once I am going to actually talk about a specific topic instead of boring-ly rambling on about nonsense (okay, I can’t guarantee I won’t get boring but I’ll try not to be!)
Let me ask you a question: when you were little, did you like to write on your friends’ hands or play makeup/hair salon games with your sister? Do you find it overwhelmingly relaxing to watch Bob Ross paint or watch the home shopping network with no desire to buy anything? You may experience what you would call tingles or shivers in your brain and spine. I know I had felt it before, but I never had a name for it. Now, the internet does. May I introduce you to ASMR.
I’m a newcomer to the community. I actually can’t really explain how I stumbled upon an ASMartist video on youtube. I watch a LOT of videos, mostly throughout the day while crocheting or knitting and it’s mostly people playing video games. But somehow I did end up clicking on this video. Maybe the title just intrigued me. I went and looked up what this whole ASMR thing was about and found tons of results when searching on youtube.
As I explained, certain activities may make you experience ASMR like getting a massage or someone playing with your hair and it’s basically brain tingles. So these videos try and repeat “triggers” or create relaxing role plays usually chock full of soothing whispering. Everyone seems to have different things they like to listen to or watch, including makeup brushes on hands, tapping fingernails, scratching, even chewing food/gum or listening to a language they can’t understand. Since I discovered this wonderful and very nice community, I have found it much easier to get to sleep and relax my mind. Just pop in the headphones and take a listen yourself.
Now, I guess it’s not for everyone and I will admit at first I thought it was soo weird. There are a lot of roleplays which don’t really do much for me. I happen to like the pure sounds and whispering videos. There are lots of videos about cranial massages and manicures and it really reminds me of something I’ve heard of before. I can’t remember where or when I read or saw this but apparently, there was an experiment where people would have one of their arms hidden from view and one of those gelatin arms placed on a table next to their other real arm. Then they would take a hammer or something to the fake arm or tickle it and people would feel it as if it were happening to them. I wish I knew or there were words for this like maybe corporeal sympathy or something. For now I guess the word is ASMR!
Some people may think it’s some sick fetish but I can honestly say it’s not. It’s actually one of the most innocent things I’ve seen and completely non-sexual. It’s just people trying to make other people feel less anxious and happier. I think a lot of people already have this feeling and just never knew other people experience it too. Like I said, programs on tv like Bob Ross’ painting were inexplicably popular and people do use noise machines with sounds like crickets or just background noise to help them sleep. I’d love to know what people’s triggers are because some things just don’t do it for me. I wish I could share this with people I know on facebook but I don’t think I’m ready to be labeled that weird so for now I’ll just write about it here.
So that’s it for tonight. I will have to start compiling a playlist of my favorite videos but it seems like there won’t be a shortage of new sounds to listen to. Here’s one that I really like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RynlsW1a-f0
So destressed with the baby shower being through! The games went well I think and my sister and BIL got fantastic gifts. Gonna have a small one with coworkers from the Dr.’s office next week and hopefully I will have done more crochet/knit stuff. Need to finish this turtle outfit especially! I need to ban myself from buying more yarn til I finish things :<
My Crochet and Knit Projects
This is a link to pictures of pretty much everything I’d ever tried/maybe succeeded at knitting or crocheting. Includes a lot of progress pictures and is arranged chronologically. I also have a ravelry but I believe you need to be a member to see my projects. If you’re on ravelry though I’d love to make more friends on there 🙂 http://www.ravelry.com/people/aprilrose424
The Christmas Tree is packed up and the holidays are over. I think everyone experiences a sort of lull at this time of year. Thankfully, with my nephew’s due date so close (Feb. 20) things won’t be quiet for long. This past year I feel like I learned a lot about myself. I get into such negative ruts but I want to turn that around. It’s so easy for me to spend the entire day in my room, barely moving. I enjoy being by myself and not having to socialize much. At the same time, I crave it too. Summers are best because I feel like, at least these past two, I have a purpose. Working pretty much all day made it more rewarding on nights and weekends to just relax. Now there are just so many little things that I need to a should do but don’t know where to start.
Might be time to do some more list making. The biggest things I need to accomplish this week are for my sister’s baby shower on Sunday. I’m in charge of games (as of like several days ago when I thought to ask her friend who’s throwing it about ones I thought were cute) so I need to go buy a few things. I also just finished what I think is a really cute hat and need to finish up this turtle costume. Furthermore, I want to see Alyssa and finish the crocheted mudkip I’ve been making for a few weeks on and off (mostly have to put all the pieces together).
So I should post some pictures soon and maybe that’ll make this a little more interesting. Til then…